Friday, August 22, 2014

The Kluminator Returns

This summer...

In a world where Heidi is treated like the second coming of Tilda Swinton...

And burgeoning fashion designers are forced to contain their...ennui?

"Designers, I know you'd all prefer that she was Cate Blanchett--hell, even I do sometimes--but could you PLEASE try not to embarrass me here, at Mood? In front of Swatch?"


Seriously, was is me, or did none of these designers seem particularly enthused at designing for Heidi?  She and I don't even agree on fashion, and I would have jumped at the chance.

"Yeah, no idea what the f*ck I'm gonna do."

Granted, there isn't a "design for Heidi" challenge every season, but it's enough of a consistent presence on the show that you should at least have one or two ideas in the mix.  I went on Under the Gunn, knowing full well that Heidi was not going to be there, and I was even giving the thought some consideration.

Also, Korina's sketch saying "You're IN!"? Sad, but in the deeply amusing kind of way.  But more on that hot mess later.

"Isn't this fridge, like, tally feroshballs?"

And more on this hot mess now.  You know you're in a desperate place when you start complimenting the sponsor's refrigerator.

"Sandhya's a greedy bitch, and Kini is so talented and tasteful that it's boring me."

And incessantly shitting on the smarter, more talented players in your group.

"I'm not saying the proverbial kitchen sink was my inspiration...but if I literally hot glue it on there, don't say you weren't warned."

And overdesigning your look with every red carpet cliché known to man, beast, and deity.

"I will openly admit that this red color could go super trampy super quick, and even though I seem well aware of my taste deficiencies as a designer, I'm still going there. Aisle or window? Why do you ask?"

And inexplicably setting the ground work for your own blindingly obvious and massively overdue elimination.

What's weird is that Mitchell seemed to know he was going home this challenge, and instead of fighting against it, he decided to go out in a hot, messy flash of glory.

Well...mission hot mess accomplished.  This dress is embarrassingly awful.  I don't understand these designers who overdesign EVERYTHING when the biggest challenge they're facing is time constraints.  Project Runway is first and foremost a game, and you have to play by the rules. Rule number 1 is be the best designer there; rule number 2 is TIME MANAGEMENT, in all caps.

I don't even recognize this girl as human in this dress; Mitchell took her proportions and so wildly distorted them that they are unrecognizable to me.  Her waist looks almost like an insect it's so long, and her legs look two feet long because of the placement and length of that slit.  The bodice completely obscures and even adds bulk to her waist, and the bust line is just sad.

That Mitchell thought the back is where he failed--and because of zipper construction no less--is hilarious to me. The back is bland, poorly constructed, and under designed, but at least it isn't the atrocity that the front is.

But I will give him credit, he was a complete gentleman on the runway, and seemed to understand he had a loser on his hands. All he could do was defend his intentions, and that's all he did.  Sayonara, Mitchell; I'll miss the screenshots.

Kristine, I though, got a little screwed over.

Of everyone who got critiqued, it seemed like the advice given to her was the most vague and misleading. Very suspicious.

But there was bait there, and she took it.  And not only did she take it...

She bit down. Hard. Boob cannons doesn't even seem all that harsh a comparison.

Although Zac's "this is a zero" comment was--clearly, there is design here, at least more than both Mitchell and Korina, and maybe one or two other designers.  Kristine, for whatever reason, got screwed byt the judges the last two challenges after doing fairly well in the two prior to that.

Sure, the dress was fairly basic, but Kristine showed promise and skill, and she could certainly whip something up fairly quickly.  It's a shame to see her go before a few other contestants, but I can't deny that her trajectory didn't seem to have much more velocity left in it.


  1. One wonders how Kristine's gray dress would have look with an interlining. Maybe one day we'll see a version from her in the real world. She seemed much more capable than some that are still in competition. Was it surprising how many made a long gown with a waistline? Long dress, bias fabric, drape on the form. No one was shown doing that, which puzzled me.

  2. I really thought Korina's dress was WAY worse than Kristine's.

  3. Totally agree with your critique, I think they keep cormeana because shes good bitchy reality viewing, nothing more, nothing less

  4. To me, the biggest crime is any designer who comes on Project Runway saying, "I don't do red carpet/gowns." Not a season of PR has aired without at least one red-carpet/formalwear challenge, and a smart designer should always do his or her homework and practice making styles out of his or her usual before even applying to be on PR.

    And this is why I so admire Sandhya. She is clearly the most intelligent designer there.

  5. Sam, Sam, Sam... When will these children learn? If only poor Mitchell had watched Under the Gunn. He would have seen a young, talented, creative designer face his "Make it Work" moment. He could have drawn upon the strength and resolve that you showed after your design concept was brutally critiqued. He would have seen, that instead of laying down in defeat or putting your head in a fridge, that you Sam, fought back with an amazing design that wowed the judges and the world.

    But Mitchell gave up - and instead of being in the Final 2, Mitchell will in the audience for Fashion Week as an eliminated one.